Nerves.

So today i am all nerves.  nervous is the plural i assume for when you are all of the aforementioned.  i am so jittery.

i am part of an acting company that while i am new i hold in such high esteem.  i had to audition to get in and mind you with less than a year of training under my belt i was accepted!  the good news is i haven't let it get to my head.  the bad news is the little ounce that should get to my head to make me realize that i'm qualified enough to be in the group has a tendency to slip my thoughts.
i am to perform a monologue today.  i pretty much have complete control over the whole thing which makes the anxiety even worse.  but anxiety implies negativity... am i feeling negative? no... not really.
i don't know what i feel.  i just know the only thought in my head is "don't f* up." and that really isn't negative or positive.  i guess it depends on the tone my brain is saying it to me...
and now i'm talking about talking to myself while writing on a blog that was made to talk to myself in the first place.  lost my mind... probably.  how about a pause for commercial break.

part of my improv class requirement is that i have to attend two improv shows.  since yesterday i was free during the evening i decided to check that off the requirement list by pulling an improv marathon.  i saw three (?) shows back to back? essentially i saw three and a half hours of improv.  boom goes the dynamite.  the last half hour you ask?  I got to participate!  at the theater that evening they had this "improv jam" where people from the audience could go onstage and flex their improv muscles and i was chosen.  did i do well? surprisingly.  did i mess up? not as bad as i thought.  the biggest lesson i learned is that crap or not the team (and because it was a free for all there was a lot of team) is there to support what is going on in the scene.  it's not about watching, it's about enhancing and paying attention for moments when that can be made possible.  and that is what i learned. because sometimes i went out and an idea fell flat, but luckily my scene partner (who thankfully was a seasoned improv performer) picked up the scene and kept us going.  i think my biggest achievement was not being scared to the back line and taking chances great or not.

wow... that's what i can carry to my performance tonight.  first off, it's a presentation, it's not a final work.  it's a workshop. so i'm already blowing it out of proportion.  second, which i can glean from my forced commercial break, is that this experience is about taking the stage, failing or not.  if i trust in the work i've put in and i do, and i trust in the talent that got me this far, which i will, then fail or not is irrelevant.  for the first time in a long time i am allowing myself to share a very personal experience.  granted it is through the eyes of a character, but i am experiencing nonetheless.  acceptance is moot. because we will not be accepted the way we want to be accepted by everyone. the only person from whom we need that acceptance is ourselves.  this is to show me how i have grown.  and i am already happy.