Been one of those weeks...

i have no clue how else to explain it.  this week post tuesday i have been in a funk.  part of it has been the schedule i've been keeping.  late nights and early mornings does not a wonder woman make.  part of it has also been my sister came up wednesday night and with her arrival brings more renovations.

now there are much greater things to worry about.  hurricane irene, syrian conflict, human rights being violated everywhere, but how can i be a better person for others if i'm not a better person to myself?

i am my own worst critic.  whenever my family is in town i default to expounding on the negative and dismissing the positive.  like it's my lot in life to not be enough.  and it's not their fault, it really is my own.  it's the way i'm wired, if you will. it's what i've built in my head is my point for existing on this plane of life.  and it's not right.

the best way for me to see it is journaling.  i write down every negative thought i have and usually during the writing of the negative thought i realize that it's a bit overdramatic.  it really is.  and if not overdramatic, definitely unfounded.

at the end of the day the storm will pass over and break up.  yes there is debris and certain uprooted elements here and there.  but just like the east coast will rebuild, as will i.  in my own little way i can pick up the pieces and start to rebuild.  some structural elements will remained, most of them really. and the ones that have taken a worser beating can be cared for and restructured, maybe even stronger than before.

after the clouds comes the sun.  always the sun.

Nerves.

So today i am all nerves.  nervous is the plural i assume for when you are all of the aforementioned.  i am so jittery.

i am part of an acting company that while i am new i hold in such high esteem.  i had to audition to get in and mind you with less than a year of training under my belt i was accepted!  the good news is i haven't let it get to my head.  the bad news is the little ounce that should get to my head to make me realize that i'm qualified enough to be in the group has a tendency to slip my thoughts.
i am to perform a monologue today.  i pretty much have complete control over the whole thing which makes the anxiety even worse.  but anxiety implies negativity... am i feeling negative? no... not really.
i don't know what i feel.  i just know the only thought in my head is "don't f* up." and that really isn't negative or positive.  i guess it depends on the tone my brain is saying it to me...
and now i'm talking about talking to myself while writing on a blog that was made to talk to myself in the first place.  lost my mind... probably.  how about a pause for commercial break.

part of my improv class requirement is that i have to attend two improv shows.  since yesterday i was free during the evening i decided to check that off the requirement list by pulling an improv marathon.  i saw three (?) shows back to back? essentially i saw three and a half hours of improv.  boom goes the dynamite.  the last half hour you ask?  I got to participate!  at the theater that evening they had this "improv jam" where people from the audience could go onstage and flex their improv muscles and i was chosen.  did i do well? surprisingly.  did i mess up? not as bad as i thought.  the biggest lesson i learned is that crap or not the team (and because it was a free for all there was a lot of team) is there to support what is going on in the scene.  it's not about watching, it's about enhancing and paying attention for moments when that can be made possible.  and that is what i learned. because sometimes i went out and an idea fell flat, but luckily my scene partner (who thankfully was a seasoned improv performer) picked up the scene and kept us going.  i think my biggest achievement was not being scared to the back line and taking chances great or not.

wow... that's what i can carry to my performance tonight.  first off, it's a presentation, it's not a final work.  it's a workshop. so i'm already blowing it out of proportion.  second, which i can glean from my forced commercial break, is that this experience is about taking the stage, failing or not.  if i trust in the work i've put in and i do, and i trust in the talent that got me this far, which i will, then fail or not is irrelevant.  for the first time in a long time i am allowing myself to share a very personal experience.  granted it is through the eyes of a character, but i am experiencing nonetheless.  acceptance is moot. because we will not be accepted the way we want to be accepted by everyone. the only person from whom we need that acceptance is ourselves.  this is to show me how i have grown.  and i am already happy.

When it clicks, it pours!

So i have a friend of mine who wants to write a script with me.  totally cool except i don't know the first thing about scripts, let alone funny scripts which is the kind of script he wants me to help write.  

i decided to brush up on research by watching a specific show in the vein of what he wants to write.  so i went ahead and borrowed said tv show from my other friend (who has all the seasons) and proceeded a mini marathon yesterday.  my hope was that i'd get some source of inspiration.

on another note i must explain that i am taking improv classes.  it's a bonus on resumes and though i was part of an improv troupe a long time ago i figured some formal training would be of benefit to me.  last week's class sent me for a spin.  i was really lost and had no idea what i was doing and i did feel discouraged, like i wasn't getting it.

well lo and behold like zeus doing a lightning dance i was watching episodes and suddenly all the jargon and all the vocab and exercises that i had been doing in class started to show themselves in the tv show.  i found myself time and time again making sense of my class through episode after episode.  the trick isn't to be funny, it's to milk the "funny."  doesn't make any sense, i know but it does to me.  so the rest of the night till the early morning was spent watching episodes and breaking them down.  well... yesterday i also went to see INDIANA JONES: RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK!!!  It's downright my favorite movie.

what i've been doing recently is journaling what i hope for the following day.  that's it.  nothing more nothing less.  and i've found it helps me focus.  i cannot anticipate how i'm going to feel, but i can ask the powers that be to hear me out for the next 24 hours.  i think that's reasonable.  and honestly i've felt a lot saner and happier doing it.  dare i say i'm onto something.  and if not, it had a good run ;)

but the point of the initial ramble was that persistence and trust in my own ability paid of tenfold.  i've had a long struggle with trusting myself.  it's held me back on success and held me back on my talent.  it's not that fear is our worst enemy, it's acting upon that fear.  there is a lot of scary stuff going on in the world.  but as Wonder Womz does, when times get tough, stick to your cuffs and trust in your own sense of self.  for me half the battle is finding out who that self really is.  but i'm winning.  i'm learning.  i'm growing and i'm succeeding.  and that makes all the difference.  

Heroes helping Heroes

So one thing I've learned today: milk and workouts do NOT mix.  Yes i'm sure there was some old wives' tale speaking of such maladies... but they hath not fallen on my ears! Horrible old english aside, went to work out today after drinking some milk (dwindling resources in my fridge) and although i had an hour downtime between the two activities i got the BIGGEST side cramp of my life.  and this ain't no walk in the park training.  it's some serious boot camp style conditioning.  needless to say that incident alone has put me off milk for a long long time.  i shudder at the sight of cows.

which brings me to my next point.  i am at a crossroads in terms of diet.  originally when i started this blog i made the choice to "wean animal product from my diet."  i don't know... after typing it the cause for concern seems less.  my issue was with the current content of my fridge and also the fact that we human beings have both sets of teeth (hence omnivore status) it begs the question if we should really not be eating meat.  but i don't want to slip up and then fall on the "oh well, we do have canines," excuse.  it sounds corny but i'm sticking to it: if i really wanted to follow the tenants of what wonder woman means to me, vegetarianism would be part of it.  I'm not a huge meat eater, really don't fancy chicken a lot, and obviously milk is no longer on my radar of potential...things to eat.  fish i do like... the whole sushi thing would be an issue for me.  but i have to be honest.  not eating meat for a while has really morphed my food perception.  like ribs and chicken and all that stuff isn't really that appetizing to me anymore.  i was a ribs girl.  fo sho, friend.  love me ribs.  actually i think it's the sauce.  i believe bbq sauce goes on EVERYTHING (desserts with exception).  but now?  if there is a veggie alternative i go for that.  not just because of this challenge i've set for myself, but because the veggie alternative just sounds more appealing to me.  i don't know.  i had milk today (i repeat because it was that alarming to me that my body could reject something so quickly) had fish two days ago as well as egg... i'll have to sleep on it.  although looking at what i've written, it's pretty obvious what i'm leaning towards.

so why the title of this blog if the majority of it is about food.  well one quality of WW is standing up for what she believes in, even though at times she may be at odds with the world.  and, when necessary, standing up for her friends.  in the comics one of WW's most steadfast friends is Superman.  They age pretty much at the same rate and thus have had a very long friendship in the DC world.  in fact in every book i've read they'd never fancy a go at each other because when you know someone that long there is no point, you don't want to pursue that avenue cuz you just know to much about them (yeah yeah bring up Kingdom Come but that was stand alone and you know it).

having just moved in and having my own dvd player for the very first time you can expect that my dvd/ blu ray collection is very very small... which it is.  i don't watch much, only when doing laundry or cleaning, but if i can't find anything on tv i figure it's easier to pop in a disc for background noise.  Well one gift my sister got me for my birthday was a "Superman" blu-ray collection.  I popped in number two because i like it the best.  and you know what? they can remake the crap out of the live action movie but EVERYONE knows no actor will ever don the blue suit and red cape like Chris Reeve.  the man was magic.  soooooo lame, true, but honestly!  he is on that screen and the first thing that pops into my head even after how many times i've seen it (four?) is "it could happen."  and that's when you know you have the right fit, when a person filling the boots of a fictional character steps out and immediately time stands still.  just for that brief moment disbelief is truly suspended.  that's what Mr. Reeve did.  That's what he started.

So i got to scouring the internet looking for some inspirational C.Reeve wallpaper for my desktop and i hit something that sent me to his foundation.  and i was and still am deeply moved by that.  because it's one thing to play a hero, but to carry that symbolism into activism, to make the fictional hero you are a real one?  speechless. truly speechless.  the loss of both he and his wife was so unfair and yet they live on through something i don't expect either one of them could have expected: a true legacy.

so i have decided that what i believe in is not only helping my fellow man but let's face it, WW always had Superman's back.  They have means to donate and fundraise and since september is national spinal cord injury awareness month, i think the sooner the better.

imma brainstorm.  i already have a few ideas...

Dream List!

well... maybe that's the wrong title for it.  really should be seen as more of a vision list.  my director told me to write a list of all the roles i want to play and also write a separate list of how i see my true self perceived by society, physically.  like, what would i be wearing?  so along the lines of that, i think there is the ability to create a list of qualities and characteristics i would have at what i believe would be my highest potential, or as i like to call it, my wonder woman self. I said last post that i would come up with the list and then post it here.  i lied.  but maybe it's a blessing in disguise, as i'll be able to really break down how and what i see is my wonder woman self.

How I am at my highest potential


1.  Fashionable: no i don't have to have super expensive designer outfits but looked polished.  like i did care how i looked when i left the house.  specifically the image that pops into my head is a slightly oversized black shirt and then some cut off jeans that are rolled up at the bottom (like high waters). the jeans are a light wash and have a few holes on the knees.  the kicker is i'm wearing these really hot heels.  not stilettos, like wedge platforms or woods platform heels.  i keep defaulting to these michael kors gold slingbacks i have that have a wood heel and platform.  i also see gold accessories, a ring, some bangles, and earrings.

2. i'm not made up where i look like i night on the town, but i do have a glow.  i'm thinking a light application of bronzer.  and DEFINITELY LIPSTICK.  lipstick is the biz, people.

3. my hair long, healthy looking and is pulled off my neck but in a low half bun.

4.  my posture is amazing.

5.  i am honest.

6.  i am fearless.

7.  i am confident.

8.  i ALLOW myself to be impulsive.

9.  i am a free spirit.

10.  i am fit as in healthy as in, in shape.

11.  i have a great smile and let others know when they do.

12.  i am not afraid to speak my mind and stand up for what i think is right.

13.  i am an award winning songwriter.

14.  i record a lot of demos for a lot of artists.

15.  i am a reputable comic book writer.

16.  i am an award winning actor.

17.  i am dateable and dating.

18.  i am well traveled.

19. i speak more than two languages.

20.  i am financially stable.

21.  i live by and for my art.

22.  i am spiritually in sync with the universe.

like all things are transient so do i believe will be the content of this list.  but it is a good place to start.  because i can focus on the ways to make certain points realities now, and also to have put in down on "paper" sends it out in to the message to the universe to make these things happen in my life.  that i desire them.

so off to bed.  let's see how my muscles fair tomorrow morning.  just worked out four days straight.  don't know if my body will be happy...

See it, be it.

So simple and yet so hard to accomplish.  One thing I like about my rehearsals is that my director is very sage-like in advice giving.  Though I am starting this realization to be WW incarnate I have been on a self transformation since May.  As you can tell progress has been to put it delicately, slow. I mean snail's pace.  But one thing that my director mentioned was this: we are never still; we either digress or progress.  And yes there have been hiccups in my progress, but I truly feel that all my efforts have been in a forward direction.  That to me is certainly a positive.

One thing I still struggle with is self confidence.  Certain situations I do see that confidence.  Certain tasks, certain situations.  But others, I feel the potential is there but that I'll fail the end result.  I censor myself for fear of failing. But how do I know?  How can I really understand if I failed or not if I haven't followed through the motions.  Like Yoda said, "do or do not, there is no try."

So I need to take responsibility for my actions and also feel entitlement to all my choices.  We are not perfect beings, if we were meant to be perfect we'd all end up the same.  Wouldn't be a bad situation if we all ended up like Angelina Jolie, though.  But maybe that's just me...

I am entitled to every thought that goes through my head and every choice and step that I make, whether wrong or right.  And I need to understand that I will sometimes make the wrong decision.  But as we are all transient beings, I can either regress or progress.  And in those moments where the result was a bad one, I will progress, moving forward, acknowledging and learning and becoming a better me.  And that is all I can be.  I cannot be Ms. Jolie and let's be real, I cannot be Wonder Woman.  But I can be the best Wonder Woman I am.  And that's what counts.  So this is where I start to take inventory of what qualities my Wonder Woman self has.  Since it's late I'll post tomorrow.  And that will be my place to start.

Frigid Beeyotch

Pretty much sums up my shower.  As part of my transformation I have enlisted the help of a personal trainer.  Part of my homework involves incorporating more "cold" into my daily regime, specifically water. So I'm meant to drink tons of ice water and if possible, take freezing showers.  I'm just gonna go with it now.  besides, saves on the gas bill, right?  well let me tell you, you don't know what you got till its gone.  after a very humbling workout i went home and popped in the good ol' shower to try my hand at ice cold cleanliness.  i am a lightweight.  my fingers turned blue.  i was shivering as i stepped out.  squeaky clean and freezing my butt off.

again, the logic escapes me.  i'll probably ask next time we meet up but till then i've created this little weaning process from warm water.  yes i can still have coffee (which really makes the whole thing HEAPS more tolerable).  i'll just have to see what happens.

today i put on makeup for the first time in a long time.  i mean for going out and doing daily activities.  go to auditions without makeup?!  surely you jest!  No i put on makeup, eyeliner to be exact, just for the sake of doing it because lets face it, yes she's drawn but the lip color on Wonder Womz, not natural.  far from it!  and while we're at it she has been drawn applying said makeup in past comics.  yes they were waaay past when she was just a mere secretary at the JLA, but focus people!  wonder women need some glam as well!  tiaras can only do so much.  note to self: invest in a tiara...

i'm happy to report that the makeup trial went off without a hitch.  and my number one reason for not wearing makeup: takes too much time to apply.  well i have thwarted that excuse this morning with a simple application of eyeliner and lipgloss.  i'm thinking when i have my desired look down to an art i shall post the diy: wonder woman makeup.  she doesn't use much, just enough :)

that's it for now.  have also been scouring the internet for different lessons and project i want to be a part of.  it's time to get wonderful people!

Round Two: Fight!

Okay.  So it's been like a sabbatical.  Since my last post i have been MIA and not even apologizing.  Just fell off the planet.  I'd like to say life got in the way and be all cliche and stuff, but that would just be insulting.  After all, isn't the whole point of this blog to chronicle what I've been doing to better myself?
So what I have been doing?  Unloading, and i mean that in every possible way of the word.  Both emotionally, physically, literally and metaphorically.  I mean rock bottom was not the flu, it was an indicator of what was to come.

Now at the ripe old age of my mid twenties I've realized that the coping mechanisms of yesteryear no longer hold up.  It's funny, because an acting friend of mine who's directing a scene I'm in saw that aspect of my personality the moment I walked on the stage.  He sensed restraint.  And he told me I had to allow myself to be more open.  I had to be more free.  I had to wipe the slate clean of how people perceive me  and start anew, this time with my thoughts and interests in the foreground.  And that is some scary business.  I mean how to you do a complete 180?

So it's time to hit the ground running.  And that means an overhaul on the way I set things up on this blog and how it will be from this point on.  Previously I declared this a gradual change, focusing on little things here and there till the big picture was formulated.  No can do former blogger!  Change like this is a band aid of truth, it'll suck initially, but it reveals something brand spanking new and dare I say better?  After all, did our beloved clay baby Princess need time to "gestate" before she became a human lady child?! Nay!  Lightning struck, a little greek song and dance and POOF, she's an infant.  So no baby steps.  I'm doing it, and I'm picking up other nuances along the way.  If I have the time and let's be real, mula to hit these other self improving landmarks, then I'll do it.

I will focus on being the person I see myself to be.  Yes wonder woman, aren't you clever, but more than that.  At the heart of the Amazon Princess is a self trusting, confident and strong woman.  And that's what I need to be.

Time to get awesome.  It's super freaky, but I couldn't be more pumped.  Hot pants win.